This blog was talking about the friendzone concept today and I’m too lazy to go submit something (sorry y’all) so I’m just gonna put this here. Please note - this is really cis/hetero-centric. I’m speaking about personal experiences for a lot of it, but I also use a lot of generalizations that surely can be applied to non-hetero relationships. Sorry in advance!
First of all, let me just point out that this whole thing doesn’t just happen to boys who pine after girls that don’t want them. It goes both ways, idiots, all the goddamn time.
See, I’ve been “friendzoned,” technically. At least, if I were a dude and the dude(s) was/were female, it would TOTALLY have been considered friendzoning.
The point is, I’ve been there, and believe me, it fucking sucks, I get it. The wanting, the missing out on, the watching them be happy (or not) with someone else, the daydreaming about how fucking kick ass your relationship would be,
the T. Swift binge (perhaps that’s just me), the sappy, uncontrollable feeeeeelings. It’s just a big ole mess of WHAT THE EVERLOVING FUCK JUST LOVE ME PLZ.
You know what the worst part of this whole friendzone thing is, though? It doesn’t matter who’s putting who in the friendzone, the girl is always wrong. Granted, the term generally refers to Nice Guys who only want girls around that are going to fuck them, and all that jazz. But it can happen to girls, too, and when it does, it’s still her fucking fault.
Take, for instance, my situation from this past summer. I wanted something to happen with this dude I’ve been friends with for a damn long time, and it didn’t work out. I tried SO HARD to make things work, wanted so badly for him to want me the way I wanted him, but he chose another girl, a girl who he proceeded to tell me all about, once he’d decided on her instead of me. From his perspective, she was (of course) practically angelic (yay pedestals!), but I heard rumors about her - she wanted nothing to do with his friends, for instance, and my immediate response was HE SHOULD LOVE ME BECAUSE I’M FRIENDS WITH HIS FRIENDS AND THAT’S WHAT’S IMPORTANT, RIGHT? Wrong, obviously. But still. There were a lot of those feelings, for damn sure.
The bottom line is that he’s with her and not me, despite the fact that I’ve known him forever, despite the fact that we used to talk all the time, despite the fact that he knew about my feelings (fundamental difference between me and the Nice Guys - I was honest about my intentions), despite the (very fucking real - I’m a little psychotic so I saved the proof) ways in which he led me on, despite everything. She’s the one that gets to keep him company on the phone the next time he drives home from school, she’s the one who gets to be excited when he comes back and sad when he leaves, she’s the one who gets to talk to him all the time and be with him and love him and everything else, and I’m not.
Now, if I were a “Nice Guy” and he was a girl, I’d be flipping several shits and calling him a whore by now - he led me on! I was such a good friend! I put up with countless hours of him talking about trucks, for fuck’s sake!
But I’m not. So instead, when I finally realized how serious he was about this other chick, I broke down entirely - and spent several weeks hating myself for not being good enough, for not being pretty or funny or thin or exciting or happy or whatever enough.
Because of course it’s my fault. It’s always been my fault and always will be my fault. Because I’m the girl, and it’s alwaysalwaysalways the girl’s fault. Never mind everything else that happened - it’s me that’s wrong, that’s not good enough, just like it would by fault for not being grateful enough or whatever if the roles were reversed.
The friendzone is inherently sexist, of course, but it’s reflective of a larger culture in which the woman is always assumed to be wrong, in every situation and under all circumstances. And really people? What the fuck.
Also? I’ll admit that when this all started, I was in it for the endgame of a physical relationship. Legit, that’s all I wanted from this kid. But rather than holding it against him when that didn’t happen, we still talk, and though it’s a little weird for me sometimes, I do it with the understanding that the friendzone is a place I’m willing to chill in if it means I still get to have him in my life.